| Grief |
[02 Oct 2009|12:24am] |
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"According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, when we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we've done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.
Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad.
The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.
Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.
There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance."
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| Now. |
[21 Sep 2009|11:17pm] |
So I'm typing this on my iphone via an lj app and it's sorta like tweeting only alot longer. The weekends are over and I promised myself I'd get down to studying so I'm sitting here but guess what I'm doing instead. (p.s. I find it rather annoying how iphone capitalises every single I that I type.)
I just caught Inglorious Basterds and it was AWESOME! A must watch by Tarantino. I was rather impressed. I also watched Away We Go yesterday and it was really great. It's almost how I wish I was living; on the road. Easily one of my favourite movies. I can't wait for Where The Wild Things Are to be out. I think it'll be the next best animated movie after UP! I loved UP. (:
Speaking about living on the road, Raf and I have been talking about living somewhere else instead of here. We've talked about Britian, California, Dubai, and Australia (but aus would be a compromise, I don't really wanna live there, the days are too short for me.) So we'll start with travelling first, take a look around Europe. I'm so excited to backpack though it's only gonna happen in about a year and a half maybe two. But no solid plans yet, all's just talk.
I read through old journal entries and I've realised that there are things that have remained constant. Being in my first relationship which has lasted over a year has brought me new perspectives but the part I like most is having a best friend. Maybe even a soulmate. Soulmates never die right? Haha. But nobody would've expected it'd last this long. I've read about love and I've felt it and it is the most amazing thing in the world. How else would we live? We fight, we argue, we kiss, we makeup, we apologise, and we forgive. But most of all, we put down our pride. That is by far one of the hardest things I've had to learn how to do. It doesn't feel good when you do it, but what happens after is. And we love. I've never been someone who would resign to fate and just accept life the way it is. But I've become more thankful. For everything that I have and I don't. I am thankful.
All in all, life has been normal lately.
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| Around my room. |
[24 Aug 2009|01:26pm] |
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music |
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Au Revoir Simone |
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So, today marks the last week of summer break before fall semester starts next monday. Here's some from around my room, i think maybe i do like an around the house thing.
 So here's a new old telephone i got maybe a month back. It dials in circles and it's sometimes a hassle but you can't get anymore original than that. I can't begin to tell you how much it startles me when it rings. Every single time. It's like a jolt of electricity to your heart and you jump for a moment and you sit up really straight. Still, i love it.
 The strip of photobooth photo is of my sister when she was about three, i think. That's my favourite photo of her. But i don't tell her that. She gets really annoying sometimes. But i love her.
 This eiffel tower's a souvenir my brother got for me when he went to Europe/Germany a couple of months back. I love this more than the Louis clutch/bag he got me. It helps me dream.
P.s. I need a better watermark. Something other than just plain text i've to type everytime.
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| Put your body next to mine and dream on. |
[13 Aug 2009|02:49pm] |
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Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins |
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Term break's finally here! And i just got my results for biopsychology. B-'s an accomplishment. It is! Scotty W., i'll never forget you. So my break's all the way till 31st august before Fall semester starts. I am sooooo not looking forward to it. Social psy, philosophy, nutrition (or something, kinda reminds me of secondary school which i topped the sch's f&n for gce o levels which apparently didn't help much), and CHINESE (cos i flunked it, uhh). Anyway i'm hoping i'll do good in chi cos i'll definitely up my grade point average if i score. 5 credits is expensive and crazyyy.
Meanwhile, i need a job bad. And i need a full frame camera, or go film. How? Decisions decisions. I'm rewatching movies again and watched Into the Wild (for the third/forth time) yesterday. I've started reading again, rereading old books. And i'm saving for europe on foot, so being jobless doesn't help. I hope it happens by end of next year or start of 2011. How am i ever gonna go by then? I've never wanted anything so bad. ):
Facebook's been a bitch these past week i think it's allergic to mac. It works fine on rafael's internet explorer and firefox but it doesn't work on my firefox or safari. Ugh. Anyway i've got mcwings waiting for me. Seems all i ever do is eat these days. I should start exercising, haven't done any in years. Picture clogged arteries. Ugh.
Okay later!
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| I'm tired. |
[05 Jul 2009|11:36am] |
So anyway, i'm up to my neck with biopsych fantacising about ripping the pages of utter gibberish out and throwing them into the fire god then i wouldn't be this close to crying everytime i try to study. Otherwise things are okay. And registration for fall 09 is tuesday and i've to take chinese cos i flunked it for my 'O's. How pathetic is that? Man, right now i really just feel like dropping out of school and not have to think about all this and what i really need is a break. And some motivation and fun to get me going. . . . - - - . . . No, really.
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| Stay Golden. |
[04 Jun 2009|08:35pm] |
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music |
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Au Revoir Simone |
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Come tomorrow it's the end of the third week of school. I've had an exam and a surprise quiz already and i bet you my ang moh lecturer is by far THE MOST BORING lecturer EVERRR. I've to say with the amount of effort i've put into studying i did pretty good. :D And life's been full of surprises lately. So far they've been good surprises. For one i had a surprise party all planned out for my twenty first. I guess you've got to mean a whole lot to someone for them to spend so much effort planning and everything for a party just for you. And my boy did it all by himself. And i do feel loved more than anything. So i am twenty one now. Growing up is not so hard to do.
So for the longest time i thought you'd get a really huge present from the government when you turn twenty one, like five hundred dollars or something, since everybody's been making it such a big deal. Turns out i was wrong. Damn. Five hundred dollars sure looks good. Uhh, the gst offset does not count.
Oh and i got the coolest birthday present from shawn and lara. They made me a pinhole camera from two rolls of film with a really awesome manual and everything. And i got more awesome presents like a red leather iphone cover and new oxfords (that i really love) from vouchers, this weird incense thing from body shop which cost a bomb, more body shop stuff, and money from my parents and aunts and my cousin min, and celebrated my actual twenty first at Ma Maison's which i loved and i got a free instax!
And i finally sent my film for developing! So more photos up soon if not here on fb.
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| Life is a highway and i'm gonna ride it, everyday's a winding road. |
[13 May 2009|09:51pm] |
So, this week was a blast! I went to the zoo, went swimming for the first time in a year, had a glass door fall on rafael and i, went to the hospital, got my results, got really bad grades, got an iphone, went grocery shopping, went to a friend's twentyfirst party, almost got into 5 accidents, almost died 5 times, stayed over, had breakfast with good company with great friends at a friendly market place, had a slice of newyork cheesecake and a slice of someother cheesecake for supper, had kfc the next morning and lost a kg, had dinner and put on half a kg, took lots of photos, been too lazy to upload any, might be going to jb on friday, might be having japanese tomorrow, got tuition job, got my life back finally, dread the start of school come monday, school's starting monday.
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| darling i'm tired, i should be leaving.. |
[03 May 2009|02:59am] |
I'm on term school break now, all the way till 18th may. I pretty much screwed up my entire semester. Last minute studying, and literally down to the last minute, has bitten me in the ass. Hard. Come summer semester i'll really have to pull my socks up. Boy am i in for a ride. I hate school . Really, i do. It eats the life out of me. I'm at the point of my life where i'm the least motivated to do anything constructive. God help me. I've only about two weeks to get ready for school again.
Today marks a year for Rafael and I. And this is the biggest commitment i've made ever. It's been a great year. And i'm not gonna deny, there were ups and downs. I still wanna run free, i still wanna be a hippie, i still wanna travel the world in a caravan. We're planning to backpack Europe in a year (hopefully, if not two). But this is as close as i'm ever gonna get i guess. I'd leave all this behind if i could. Life just pulls you back to reality sometimes.
Oh and i'm playing this game on facebook, restaurant city, it's one of the only two games i do play on fb. The other's spot the difference. Haha, yes it's so fun! I'm going back to it now. I think we're having sushi later. YAY!
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| There's no need to play with my heart. |
[13 Mar 2009|07:46pm] |
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music |
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Noah and the Whale |
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So, things haven't been going great exactly for me. I was this close to dropping out of school this past week. Contemplating i mean. I went to the extent of speaking to the student academic advisor about the transfer to sociology and to NY. So apparently poly did me a HUGE favor as i'm able to use ALL of my credit hours accumulated in poly as transfer credits in U of Buffalo, which is where i'm at right now. And i've to accumulate at least thirty hours on campus locally before i can transfer to NY. Oh and if things go well, i could be graduating in faster than the three years expected and better yet if i keep my gpa up as it is, i'll qualify for honors though it's just third class. I've to pull it up to 3.5 and 3.75 for second and first class.
I've concluded that i am not suited for university but what choice do i have? Ugh. Hey i'm just doing this for the money like everybody else.
I'd post another photo but i haven't developed my two rolls of film. I will get about it soon. Oh, and i forgot to mention i got a Holga!
Meanwhile i've got a literature review, a research paper, a midterm paper and a test due by next wednesday. Which explains why i'm missing Of Montreal this sunday. Can you believe that? My life has been eaten up by university.
Till then, here's a few to put that smile on your face (:
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| Silence is GOLD. |
[20 Feb 2009|05:34pm] |
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UPDATE:
You know when they say, "Won't so suay one lah!". Well, it doesn't work all the time.
Especially not on Friday the Thirteen. I crashed my mum's car and it was bad. Really bad. And i can't drive for the time being. So frigging suay. DAMN YOU FRIDAY THE THIRTEEN.
February fourteen wasn't so bad. Rafael and i went for a buffet at Pariss given that everywhere else was fully booked. And we had great sashimi!
Most of the day he was glued to his Fifa game if not Pro-evolution. Romantic much?
My mid terms starts Monday with Psy Stats. I'm just getting the hang of it. I really hate university life. I'm thinking of re-applying to another-one-of-the-three-prestigious-universities but i've just paid my school fees which doesn't come cheap. And i'm much to tired to start over.
Anyway, here's us bored out of our minds.
Oh and lately i've been contemplating moving to film. Mostly because it saves the hassel of editing and its more "real" in a sense. And i've seen shaun with film. Way coolllll.
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| Noah and the Whale |
[12 Dec 2008|10:35pm] |
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My favourite band for the longest time everrrrrrrrrrr.
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| let's pretend we don't exist. |
[03 Nov 2008|01:10am] |
HELLO TIMOTHY. No i haven't dropped off the face of the earth. Here's an update.
MYGODIHATEUNIVERSITY. SERIOUSLY. Strange to say, though the four months of work before school was terrible, school, well school, is like shoving a pineapple up your.
There's been too many late nights spent at terminal three, oh yes, i'm beginning to dread that place but there's no other place quite as lovely. Oh yes, no other. I'll put a fullstop to the whining. Or not. I do miss taking the camera out shooting everything and nothing. I miss sleeping in, and lazying around, and being a couch potato, and taking milo over coffee, and meet up with you guys (clar, tim, farah, len, hali, shawn), and poly life, and timetimetime and more time to do everything. I do miss life.
I thought not being in the top three local unis would be slack, ohno sooooo wrong. I trying and trying and working and studying my ass off. For the first time in my life. For shit. School's from monday to saturday. And assignments and homework everyday. And math. God i hate math. Thank god for raf and his inhuman patience i got nottoobad math grades for the first time ever. Oh and here's the best part. I've to take chinese again cos i flunked by a grade for the o levels. Nobody's can save me from that. I should totally just drop out.
Today's makes six months for raf and i. Quite frankly i've never been sure ever about relationships and much too afraid to be in one. I guess it's alright for a first right? Cliche as hell but it's been a rollercoaster ride ups and downs to the extremes. Not so much good and bad. I guess we all need spices to keep us going sometimes.
I think i might take up tuition jobs soon. Too broke too often too soon. Right after the finals in about a months' time. I need a break bad.
For now, i need some room to breathe.
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| be kind, rewind. |
[05 Sep 2008|01:08am] |
It's been about a week and a half since the start of school and i'm trying really hard to get used to this. I'm trying really hard not to drop out, repeating it's gonna all work out, you just have to get used to this. I'm trying really hard to keep motivated and i hear you telling me that there's always a door and i just have to walk though, i just have to get through this one. Please don't let me quit.
It wasn't as easy as i thought it'd be, no i didn't think it was gonna be easy. That's life faye, tough it up, heads up now. Tough it up. Gotta get through this. I'm trying so hard just to breathe. I'm trying so hard. Yet you tell me you're exggerating faye. Maybe you're right. That's what i do so much.
Dad's telling me how familiarity breeds content and i tell him i know though i'm just starting to see it. Time please rewind. Yet what would i change?
Maybe i do know after all. Those denyings. The hard part's the journey and i dread the thought of it. Maybe that's the easy part. I've got a test coming up in the next twenty four hours. Oh, make that three tests in just two weeks. So much for a crash course huh? Newyork newyork. I'd love to be there. I'm not sure if i wanna be there anymore. Maybe all those time i was just hoping for a way out and newyork was my excuse for it. Maybe that's why the city doesn't sing to me anymore. I'm squinting so hard to hear a whisper.
Maybe it's about time i get started. On life.
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[07 Aug 2008|01:26am] |
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| pretty like drugs. |
[09 Jun 2008|01:24am] |
It's been a while. I don't write as much as i used to now, simply cause i don't find the need to put my thoughts on paper now, much less into words.
Work's been a drag, come first july a whole bunch of us, including raf and i will be leaving. Come first july. I'm still waiting to hear from the school just cause i need to be sure, i don't wanna bang my hopes on anything.
There's been a few many crazycrazy first in this past couple of months including walking across the border of malaysia to back home at eleven at night and photos couldn't capture everything. Still here's a few :)
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| Steal a heart. |
[20 May 2008|08:48am] |
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It's been about a month over since the last post so i though i'd say hello, i haven't dropped off the face of this earth. A month and a drastic change of plans you'll be surprised. I'm not leaving as soon as i thought i'd be anymore. The past two and a half weeks have been anything but ordinary with R and i cannot start to say how much. New York is still calling me.
It's amazing how you find the closest friends stick and i don't have to mention who. I love you guys more than anything.
Work has been more of an extremelyhugebore more than anything and i wish i could leave earlier but there's a thousand reasons tied to me not leaving. Surviving is much harder than i thought but i am proud to say i've been on my own for the longest time ever ever and that's good enough for me.
You must be wondering how much can change in a matter of a few weeks and i'd still say everything but i'm still sticking to me. Everything and nothing for all that it's worth. And i'd say it again.
Right now i'm still waiting for nus and taking on u of buffalo at youdon'twannaknowwhere for new york and the chance to transfer. I'm not sure if we'll be going down today and it's on the opposite side of the island which is not so surprisingly far. Grad day is only about a week and a half away and i'm sooo not looking forward to it. Why? The gown is hideous. Seriously. I'd look better in a garbage bag, not that i'm saying it's garbage, but you get where i'm driving at. What i'm looking forward to is seeing you guys cause it's been forever!
And before i forget, for my BFF, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIM!
You're getting older boy, and NS is waiting for you. Don't disappear okay. :)
New York can wait.
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| I want to be a hippie, but i've forgotten how to love. |
[14 Apr 2008|11:40pm] |
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Youth is gone.
We are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind's door at 4a.m. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget.
Joan Didion
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| laugh now alligator. |
[28 Mar 2008|11:08pm] |
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Just when things were getting better everybody's leaving. I'm down with the flu bug, a bad throat, a headache and a slight fever and today was only the first of the next five days of work. I hope i don't get sicker. My weekends are gone and wednesday would finally be a day off but then i've got to head down to the embassy and french lessons after. I'm looking forward to my paycheck but it's so much of a hassel getting it. Everything's a drag these days.
My camera's sitting there calling me to take it out and i want to so bad. So are Rocky and C.
I'm almost done with Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go and i swear it's one of the hardest books i've had to get through. And The Catcher in the Rye took me only three days. I've even started Markus Zusak's The Book Thief and it's looking good. I've bought a bunch of books that've gone dusty sitting on the shelves. I'm spending so much on books. I've this idea of getting those brown takeaway paper bags and storing every book in one so the pages don't turn yellow. I've still to get down to that. And canvas is still sitting against the wall.
It's strange how things seem to pile up when i start working and just before all this i found myself lazying around all day. I come home everyday waiting for a letter that seems to me is lost in the mail. Or not. I'm getting impatient.
Oh please call me and visit me at work. I would love you so much.
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| Where the robins go. |
[20 Mar 2008|12:06am] |
Today was my seventh french lesson and about half the class was present with only eight of us. Damien, my french teacher, asks me, "Comment allez-vous?" and every week i say, "Tre bien", because that's all i know. And he doesn't ever probe but he does this week. Everbody in class whispers to me replies but i can barely understand them. I tell him i can count and he asks me the time. I manage to get away with it. I am suppose to be able to survive in France or Marseille (nope, not Paris because people speak english) by now.
Work is starting to grow on me. I met about ten new people around my age. I'm on shift good friday and most weekends and seven dollars an hour doesn't seem much now. Today i decided to own a copy of Murakami's Wind-up Bird Chronicle and got a brand new one for about thirteen bucks. Made my day. I've still a list of eight books to get which are impossible to find in singapore.
L.A. brought me back Marilyn which i hope isn't the same one as i have on my wall. I wish i could've gone. I've been accepted to syracuse u, i'm new york bound. I'm still waiting for U of Toronto and WO to get back to me and the wait is forever. So are the locals. I love new york but i would take toronto.
Come may is graduation and hopefully june would bring the end of work, it'd be a really great gift for the twentieth. And august would be a brand new start. I don't wanna leave but i do so badly.
Time, please slow down.
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